live like you’re dying

i have always been annoyed with the phrase “live like you’re dying.” on several occasions in my life, i’ve been convinced that i was, in fact, dying. i guess that makes me a hypochondriac. death scares the crap out of me. (literally. every time i think i’m going to die i get nervous shits). and, when i’m scared, i turn into an insufferable little bitch… to put it mildly.

as you may have read, i’m having an adenotonsillectomy this thursday. even though it is a very routine procedure with very few major risks, i still have a bit of a bad feeling about it. maybe i’m just freaked out because once my tonsils are out, they can’t go back in, and permanence scares me a little bit. i get nervous about anything that could possibly cause death, and even though the doctor never even mentioned that as a potential side effect, i’m convinced it’s a possibility for me. as such, this blog is a bit reflective. my last words, if you will. just so we’re clear: i hope it isn’t my last, but just in case, i better write it. i know this blog sounds super morbid but just in case anything happens, i need to leave some final thoughts floating about the world. i guess i’m old-fashioned like that. and yes, i realize how crazy that makes me sound.

turns out, if i think i’m dying, i’m too worried, depressed, and angry at the world to actually live as though i only have one day left. i’d like to think that my last day alive would consist of awesome stuff like fireworks, a concert, making out with a hot australian, and lots and lots of chocolate and very expensive wine. maybe even a nice bubble bath. however, if i know (or think i know) that i’m dying, it turns out my day looks a lot more like this: sleeping in, cry-yelling at my mom about absolutely nothing, avoiding cleaning my room or doing anything even remotely productive, netflix, having a nap, and getting sassy when people ask me stupid questions and/or complain about their problems. i obviously need to work on being compassionate and leaving on a high note…

who says it’s your last day of life that has to be awesome, anyway? why don’t you aim for a lifetime of happiness? perhaps it doesn’t all have to happen on the same day, instead you should live so that you can feel like your life as a whole can be summed up as awesome.

of course this post is a bit facetious, but if anything ever really should happen to me, i’d like to ask everyone close to me to take time out to volunteer once a month. you choose the cause. find something you’re passionate about and help others within that vein. i hope that when i am no longer here, i will be remembered as someone who was selfless and giving. i wish that for all of you, too. what’s the point of having everything you want when you’re not willing to share it with others? please volunteer because it makes you feel good to know you’re making a positive impact on the world. do not be the kind of person who does good deeds simply so other people will recognize you as a good person. do good deeds because our society needs you to contribute something positive to it.

also, i think people need to be more loving and less quick to judge. i’m pretty sure that all of the negativity in this world stems from misunderstanding others. you don’t REALLY know what someone else is going through. you don’t know why they say or do the things they say or do. you can only understand yourself, and sometimes that can be tricky too. if you make an effort to understand where someone is coming from, maybe you can then be less likely to judge them for their actions. love is the way of the future. i try to love everyone i meet. sometimes i feel some people aren’t worth it, if we’re being quite honest, but i try really hard to be a good person and help others out, regardless of how they might differ from me. it’s not productive to cut people down. imagine how much better off our society would be if you took the time you spent judging people and used it to help them through something instead.

after you’ve taken time to do something for someone else, make sure to take time to do something nice for yourself. make a nice meal, take a long walk to clear your head, do some yoga, take a bubble bath, whatever. you have to take good care of yourself and remember that you are here for a reason. if you haven’t found the reason you’re here yet, that’s okay. keep trying out new things until something sticks and roll with it! get a hobby that makes you happy. it’s okay to be sad sometimes, but you need to know that it’s okay to be happy too.

up until last year, i never really took too many risks. i was too scared of failure. what ended up happening was that i limited my chances at finding happiness. see, i have always wanted to be an entertainer. comedy, specifically. in december, i finally did stand up, and i am so proud of the result. not taking a chance and trying out something i’ve always wanted is the biggest mistake i could have made. i’m so glad i tried it before it was too late. my only regret is that i waited so long to try it. yes, i was scared of failure. but i think i was more scared of success. i knew i could be funny, but what if i was funnier than i imagined and great things started coming my way? know that you deserve and are worthy of success. when you start to believe in yourself, anything can happen.

finally, the most important thing i ever did was travel. i haven’t seen all the places i wanted to see yet, but hopefully i will survive this surgery and get there someday! i’ve had so many moving experiences and i’m a much more open-minded person as a result. i’ve seen how other people live and how they have different values and priorities and it’s really helped me figure out what is important to me. everyone has that one place they have always wanted to go. what’s stopping you? go.

ps., if you don’t cry at my funeral you are soulless and i will haunt you. forever.